Past year thoughts, New Year needs. 2020 edition

Woooooph this has been a year.

This New Year's Eve I thought I would write a little something personal, instead of a story, as a list of official resolutions that I can’t pretend I didn’t make. This year has had a few good times but a lot of “so low I couldn’t even raise my head" times, I'm in that place even as I write this but I have every intention of making next year better. I also wanted to wish you dear reader, at least, an improved new year, the gods know we need it.

I lost not one but two dogs this year. I still carry that pain in my chest. My Sammi bear and my boy, Morgan. I know they’re both waiting over the rainbow bridge with Pippin and I’m stuck on that one quote -How lucky am I, to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard – AA Milne.

So I think it’s safe to say a lot of us have suffered with lack of spoons, with low mood, an increasing sense of isolation and, at times, despair. I don’t have a solution to that except to say, however, there is always a light, there is always hope. Seeing my friends, my family, my acquaintances, hell even strangers, come together to support and show solidarity and love has been inspiring. Which sounds like trite feel-good crap but it’s true. It inspired me to try and improve myself in areas I had been neglecting – mainly writing, but my health and spirituality too.

Next year I’m dedicated myself to writing more – my book is coming along surprisingly well. I can feel the structure, can feel what my character’s want. I’ve put people in there who have meant something to me, good or bad, although I doubt they'll recognise themselves, and taking my inspiration from my own life has made me view past events and people with fresh, clear, and sometimes more sympathetic, eyes. I want it to be a book though, to be in a book store, that’s my dream. My book! With my name on it, on a shelf in a book store that everyone can see! With this goal in mind, I intend to sign up for my Master’s degree in creative writing to help me along. It’s daunting but something I’ve been wanting to do for a while.

Obviously, I’m putting in the obligatory lose weight aspiration because I do need to. I think a lot of us feel we do after this year of being trapped in at home. No one should feel obligated to, you are you and perfect how you are, truly you are beautiful and I can say that without even looking at you. However, I want muscles back. I miss having thighs that could kill whoever was between them. I miss being smaller than I am. I wish I could take my own advice I just dished out to you but I’ve never been good at taking my own advice.

Socially. Well socially I need to do better. I’m retreating from everybody and this is not a good trend. I do have a tendency to withdraw from everyone when I’m unhappy or unwell and boy has this year been quite the one for making me unhappy. Thankfully I have understanding new friends. I intend to join in more with them until we can meet again and sit round the fire and truly catch up while looking at their real-life faces, I can’t wait to see them with my real eyes. But I don’t want to neglect my online friends either so I intend to reach out more and offer what I probably need. A friend. If you’re reading this then please consider this an invitation. If you need me, I’m here and I mean that honestly and truly. I tend to feel better helping other people than helping myself.

I’m hoping to leave behind a lot of anger and resentment. To be fair, this year hasn’t been filled with that much anger or resentment as I let go of most of it a long time ago. I’m at a point in my life were, if not for being stuck at home and stressed to high heaven, I’ve no doubt would have been filled with more joy and less sadness. My health is a fluctuating thing and I’ve joined the “pain is a constant companion” club. It’s a balancing act of all the right tablets with more tablets to balance out the first lot of tablets. Fun stuff.

What it all boils down to is I'm going to try and keep living a life I’m proud of, a life I’m happy in. Be a me I know I am and want to be more of. I also plan on being even witchier than last year. Find some moots to attend maybe. More spells and more hedge witch, I reckon.

So, writing, health, magic and friends is on the menu for next year. I want this post to be official so I can’t weasel out of it and pretend I forgot cause that’s a great excuse I use sometimes, even when it's true. Mostly though I want to wish you, dear reader, a very much better New Year – I hope it’s filled with inspiration, love and warmth. Even you, you know who you are, I hope life gets better for you and I hope you get better for you.

KISSES 💋

Captain El xxx